How do you know if your hurt feelings are legitimate, or actually due to your own issues with...?

...self-esteem?

My S.O. and I had a couple fights recently and he told me at one point that he had contacted his ex-girlfriend. He eventually told me that he only contacted her because we were fighting and he needed someone to talk to. He said that he couldn鈥檛 call any of his own friends because they are my friends too, and he didn鈥檛 want them to know we were fighting. We have always been very much in love, and I鈥檝e never had any reason to mistrust him before. He assured me that contacting his ex was a one-time thing, and he realizes that it was a mistake. We talked and I felt better about it for a day. But today I woke up feeling like a neglected mutt that tries so hard to please its owner but ends up at the shelter anyway because it鈥檚 still unwanted. Am I overreacting because I have my own issues with trust and self-esteem, or do I have the right to be hurt by my S.O.鈥檚 actions? How would you react? Would you always wonder if it could happen again, or worse, lead to an affair?How do you know if your hurt feelings are legitimate, or actually due to your own issues with...?
Well, feelings are neither legitimate or illegitimate. If you feel them they exist. While they may be cause by personal reason or incorrect information, they still are you feelings. Feelings however go away. The feeling of trust goes away eventually, the feeling of love goes away. That is, if they are feelings. Trust, like love, needs to be base on something more then an emotional state because as humans we constantly change.





You are not overreacting to what you have heard. Feelings aren't a real reaction. You cannot help but feel that way, if you had done something irresponsible because of them then you would have overreacted. Your right though, that's exactly what starts affairs. A broken relationship and one person inside of it reaches out to someone else for emotional, and often sexual, support.





If your boyfriend admitted he contacted her, without you having found out. Then he truly was repentant. He doesn't want to lie to you and he wants there to be trust between you. If he wants that, then it's unlikely he'll make that same mistake again. It's not wrong to feel hurt, but let it go. Holding onto a wrong like that will only make you bitter and ruin the relationship.





You should really talk about it. Don't cover up your feelings that will only make things worse. Don't however continue to blame him. He has admitted his fault, and now he has to deal with the damage he has created. Don't throw that into his face, just let him know how you feel.





Good luck.How do you know if your hurt feelings are legitimate, or actually due to your own issues with...?
is he frustrating you?



My S.O. and I had a couple fights recently and he told me at one point that he had contacted his ex-girlfriend.

Ouch............. he can talk to her but not to you?



He eventually told me that he only contacted her because we were fighting and he needed someone to talk to.

I would worry here that he is regretting to have left someone that was understanding and they thought the same way. Is she still a friend?



He said that he couldn鈥檛 call any of his own friends because they are my friends too, and he didn鈥檛 want them to know we were fighting.

Nice of him not to drag the friends in. Dirty laundry should be washed at home. I feel bad for him because it seems that he is at loss how to handle the issues you have. Sometimes it takes a big person to get guidance.



We have always been very much in love, and I鈥檝e never had any reason to mistrust him before. He assured me that contacting his ex was a one-time thing, and he realizes that it was a mistake. We talked and I felt better about it for a day.

Girls are clearly at advantage in discussions with boyfriends so make sure you are being fair with him, too.



But today I woke up feeling like a neglected mutt that tries so hard to please its owner but ends up at the shelter anyway because it鈥檚 still unwanted.

Maybe the conversation did not handle all the issues you have with him or maybe you are placing him in the middle of issues that have nothing to do with him. They are all yours. You need to be able to separate them.



Am I overreacting because I have my own issues with trust and self-esteem

Quite possible. You are the only one that knows for sure.



, or do I have the right to be hurt by my S.O.鈥檚 actions?

Yes, I would be hurt and a little jealous. What was he thinking?



How would you react? Would you always wonder if it could happen again, or worse, lead to an affair?

I would be as upset as you were. Leading to an affair? I don't think so because he did admit it was wrong that he contacted her. Reality check: if his heart is no longer in this relationship it is better to end earlier than later. Make sure you guys have good communication and see that you have the same end goals.



Good luck.